I see myself in this dance - I truly do!
Living life pro is hard for anyone. Whether you're fighting against it or for it. Constantly counting calories, hiding food journals, measuring every inch of your body to make sure it hopefully will go lower and lower. Searching all over town for an outfit that actually fits your "fat" body. It's tough. For everyone. I wish people understood that what we go though is sometimes the hardest part of our day. Restricting the food and nutrients we know our bodies need to look like those girls that we see everyday. We walk down the street and challenge the voices in our heads telling us were not good enough, not pretty enough, not thin enough... Until they win - and we purge.
Anorexia is judgment - we look in the mirror and find all our flaws. Anorexia looks at us and tells us "I am bad when I am fat. And I am always fat". We find our salvation through starvation. Those who don't understand don't matter. We fight for ourselves to be what we can't we can never find "skinny enough" yet we strive for it everyday, and punish and push ourselves to limits we've never reached until we collaps. Anorexia is a mix of a low self - esteem. A yearning for a better body. A loss of control. These are things most anorexics have in common. I know this because all these things describe me.
Anorexia is a secret, shameful state of mind; and for an anorexic eating is the most repulsive indulgence. When we eat, we have failed ourselves and failed as an anorexic, when if you succeed as an anorexic, you're dead. There's no way to fail anorexia, just fail what it has become of you. You have failed when you let anorexia win. When you have lost hope in yourself, you've regained the mind of an anorexic.